Even Then

I bought the assorted wild flowers at the local grocery store, and paired with a note that said "I am sorry" I slipped them into his mailbox. He responded later in the day with a note in my mailbox that said "You have nothing to feel sorry about."

I was 17, he was 22 and the focus of my affection at the time. I have no idea why, he was an ass. He had invited me to his house and sat by me on the couch showing me pictures. I had been warned about him, told by those much wiser than I to stay away from him. I didn't believe them. I thought I was the one who could change him.

He went pee and left the door open. If I had known then what I know now I would have been able to see he just wanted sex. I was naive. He invited me to a drag queen ball that night, and I was eager to accept. My friend Anna and I spent some time picking out an outfit and putting glitter in my longer hair and on my face (because that was hot then). I was set. I was ready for him when he picked me up in his car.

He left his hand laying on the seat, and I wondered if he wanted me to hold his hand (of course he did, isn't that the "cool" universal way to say you aren't interested but your hand is right there if the other person happens to hold it?)

I spent a large part of the night alone. I did meet some people toward the end of the ball that were pretty awesome. For some reason there was a lot of people that could tell I was hung up on this guy, though I never told them and they had never met me. They took me under their wing, dancing with me and laughing with me and even trying to make my feet pick up some kind of beat.

It was all so strange for me coming from the small town I am from, but they got me to loosen up and even made me wear a magic hat they convinced me would allow me to dance better (it seemed to work). The "head" drag queen (who's male name was Rob) pulled me out on the dance floor for the last song (something tremendously gay like It's Raining Men or something) and we danced.

We went out after that for coffee. I sat with the drag queen named Rob and the focus of my raging hormones sat with some flaming blond he picked up at the dance. My new friends (who I never their got names or saw again) offered to drive me home but I told them no, there was no sense in them taking me all the way home when he was going the same way.

On the way back I sat in the back. There was no hand proffered for me to hold (the flamer had that between his legs) there was no veiled glances in my direction (his eyes burned for the homo beside him). And still I felt the need to apologize the following day as if I had done something wrong.

I stood there the following day looking at the note he had left in my mailbox (he was too much a coward to knock on my door) and wondered if we would ever meet again. I eagerly went to the gay and lesbian meetings week after week waiting to see if he would show, but he was absent every time. Some gorgeous man named George made friends with me then but George is another topic for another post.

Why Erotica?

There is something freeing in reading (and writing) erotica. Within the pages of an erotic book (bits if you read digitally) we can lose ourselves to our darkest fantasies. There is such a dogma placed on sex now that often we find it hard to enjoy sex and stories about sex. For this reason I feel erotica has such a market.

It is very easy for us to relate to the main character because they are undergoing a transformation of discovery that we can't often go through because it isn't acceptable. There is a whole slave subculture that works hidden from most of us. Can you imagine (for a moment) being a sex slave? Sure, it is good to fantasize about, but is it practical in your daily life? Maybe it is.

To me erotica is a true escape because you are living a life most people don't get to live. You live the life of the character and you take those hesitant steps with them. Maybe your heart races with each thrill, and maybe you long for their lovers touch just as they do. Whatever the reason I make this vow to always entertain, always thrill, and always push the envelope you can't push in your daily life.

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